“Laughing means people are enjoying each other. It brings a state of felicity, of delight. You feel glad to be alive and you think, this is it! You don’t need much more than this-a group of friends enjoying each other. But laughter is really an indicator of something more basic: of people accepting each other. You are valued because you are alive, not because of how much money you earn or how big your house is. When we have that sense of being valued, of being connected, we don’t live lives of consumerism and ambition. We don’t need to prove that we have worth.” –Cecile Andrews
I had so much fun with friends in Seattle and am just in awe of the amazing community that I am able to keep across state lines and oceans. All I wanted was to talk and laugh and be in their presence and it was wonderful. I was nourished by my dear friends and am so thankful for each and every one of them and how they each call me to more, bringing forth glory from my depths.
Seattle is beautiful. Of course, as I'm getting ready to drive back to Portland, Seattle pulls out all the stops and gives the most glorious day of sunshine and clouds. It almost made me want to stay, just a little bit longer. My deep love of the city was creeping back in and making me wonder why I moved away in the first place. This is the view from Carey Park, can you say heavenly day?!
As I drove away thinking Seattle is the most beautiful place on Earth and how lame is it that I live in Portland now and if only I could live in Seattle, I arrived in Portland and got to spend some time with an old high school friend, Kristin. And I was reminded as we walked along the river front that Portland is pretty wonderful, too. And for now, this is home...
It would be pretty sweet if I came up with a list of my top ten albums of 2008 as many people tend to compile at the year's end, but seeing as how I had no money to really buy music or time to keep up with the new albums, these are just some songs that played throughout this past year. A friend posted music of 2008 this way and I thought that was such a cool way to sum a year, especially since I am constantly listening to music and looking for meaningful lyrics.
Here's a glimpse of my year through music...
January
I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh
Through my tears
I was born to love
I’m gonna learn to love
Without fear
(Born-Over the Rhine)
What a day to visit Seattle
What a day for San Francisco
What a day holy Toledo
What a day to get in the air and go
What a day to give up smoking
What a day to have some Jim Beam
What a day to welcome a baby
To begin breathing
(What a day-Greg Laswell)
February
She still shines
Though the night falls around her
By her light, I find my way
When I fear the path lay before me
I look to the light of her face
And thank her for being so brave
(The Moon-Kendall Payne)
I have much farther to go
Everything is new and so unpredictable
I should just kick my heals together and go home
But I’m not sure where that is anymore
(Much Farther to Go-Rosie Thomas)
March
My friend, it’s been a long day for me
I miss seeing your face and I miss your company
I could use a hug from you and you know I would love to talk with you, too
But I will just have to wait, until I see you again
(The Note- Late Tuesday)
I’m afraid I’m not all that you see along the coast of me
I’m camouflage, a desert mirage, a nobody
But you came so close
And I assumed you were looking for the piece of yourself that’s lost
It is the hiding place inside everybody
And though we love to numb the pain
We’ve come to learn that it’s in vain
Pain is our mother, she makes us recognize each other
(Nobody Number One- Over the Rhine)
April
Why is it impossible now to trace every echo back to its birth?
Why is it impossible now to kiss every fever away?
There is truth that’s hiding behind every wall that surrounds us
It takes a lifetime to pull the bricks away
If our words are cameras, hold still
Shutters slide to unveil, fingerprints of angels
In a language made of film
(Hold Still-Sleeping at Last)
All the blood and all the sweat
That we invested to be loved
Follows us into our end,
Where we begin to understand
That we are made of love,
And all the beauty stemming from it.
We are made of love,
And every fracture caused by the lack of it.
(Needle and Thread-Sleeping at Last)
I don’t know nothing except change will come
Year after year what we do is undone
Time gets moving from a crawl to a run
I wonder if we’re gonna ever get home
You’re out there walking down a highway
And all the signs got blown away
Sometimes you wonder if you’re walking in the right direction
(When it don’t come easy-Patty Griffin)
May
I’ve been holding on
I’ve been holding on
All that is inside me
Screams to come back home
(Shine your light on us- Robbie Seay Band)
I’m gonna sing this song
To let you know that you’re not alone
And if you’re like me
You need hope, coffee, and melody
So sit back down, let the world keep spinning round
Yesterday’s gone and today is waiting on you to show your face
And it might not be the prettiest thing that you’ve ever seen
But it’s a new day, oh baby, it’s a new day
And it might not look like a beautiful sunrise
But it’s a new day, oh baby, it’s a new day
I know it might seem that the world is crumbling
But it’s me and you dancing in the kitchen at 2am and we’re still alive
Standing in the rain and nowhere to go
Laughing and spinning and I hope that you
Remember this day for the rest of your life
Me and you love, everything’s all right
And it just might be the prettiest thing that you’ll ever see
It’s a new day, oh baby, it’s a new day
(New Day-Robbie Seay Band)
June
I woke up this morning
With this feeling inside me that I can’t explain
Like a weight that I carried had been carried away
But I know something is coming
I don’t know what it is
But I know it’s amazing, you save me
My time is coming
I’ll find my way out of this longest draught
It feels like today
(Feels like today- Rascal Flatts)
This is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And you then you take that love you made
And stick into someone else’s heart
Pumping someone else’s blood
And walk and arm in arm
You hope it don’t get harmed
And even if it does, you just do it all again
(On the Radio-Regina Spektor)
July
What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you in?
And chase you with a rolling pin
Well, what if I do?
‘Cause I am giving up
On making passes
And I am giving up
On half empty glasses
And I am giving up
On greener grasses
I am giving up
(Giving Up-Ingrid Michaelson)
The more I sing this song
The more I feel your love fall down on me
In the darkness I am found
Found with your love surrounding me
Feel this, can you feel this
My heart beat out of my chest
Salvation under my breath
Can you let go?
Can you let go of the past?
What if I told you
Your tears have never been ignored?
(Feel This-Enation)
Give me a reason to fall in love
Take my hand and let’s dance
Give me a reason to make me smile
Because I think I forgot how
I want to fall asleep with you tonight
I want to know I am safe when you hold me tight
I want to feel how I want to feel forever
Girls need attention and boys need us
So let’s make everybody glad
That they have each other
In each other’s arms
Let’s make everybody glad
(Reasons to Love You- Meiko)
August
It’s been a long year
Like a sleepless night
Jacob wrestled the angel
But I’m too tired to fight
Every Wednesday for two years we’ve met
I’ve showed you all my anger, doubts and bitterness
There was no judgment in your eyes
Just the silent peace of god that felt so real and you
Will you hold the light for me?
I want to feel redemption
Flowing through my veins
I want to see with clear eyes
Beyond lust and hate
I want the war to be over
And know the good guys won
I want love to hold me
And know I’m not alone
Standing around a willow weeping
Praying in the backyard
The chill of night,
The friendship light reminded me,
Who we are
Will you hold the light for me?
(Hold the Light-Caedmon’s Call)
There’s something in the way you laugh
It makes me feel like a child
Aspects come alive
They confuse me
You and your thesis amuse me
After an afternoon
And your rich brown eyes
Your lips and your dark hair
Elbows, exposed knees
Tossing towards your ceiling
After an afternoon
Love, love
Face to palm, tear to tear
Mouth to tongue
Heart to ground
Heart to ground
I am in love
(After an Afternoon-Jason Mraz)
September
Oh my love
Help me open up my heart again
Tear it open let the rain fall in
Wash this hardness underneath my skin
I know that in the dark, there’s a fear of letting go
I know that in my heart, that I fear what I don’t know
And this feels like, letting go
I’m letting go
It’s hard to trust
When your hearts been broken times before
You pull the curtains and you lock the doors
Swear you’ll never go out anymore
I’m stepping out
I can’t see and there is no sound
Seeming void becomes a solid ground
The sight I lost, becomes the faith I found
And this feels like letting go
I’m letting go
(Feels like letting go-Matthew Perryman Jones)
Life keeps on changing
You tell it to stay still but it won’t listen
I just want you near me
Like you are now, for good.
(Tinfoil Hats-Rocky Votolato)
I’m gonna write you a song
To tell you just how much I’ve been missing you
(Make it up- Joe Purdy)
October
I’ve been a fool
I’ve been cruel to myself
I’ve been hanging onto nothing
When nothing could be worse
Than hanging on
Something tells me
There must be something better than all this
I’ve fallen many times in love
And every time it’s been with the wrong man
Still I’m out there living one day at a time and doing the best I can
Cause we’ve all made mistakes that seem to lead us astray
But every time, they help us to get us where we are today
And it’s as good a place as any
and it’s probably where we’re best off anyway
It’s a long and rugged road
And we don’t know where it’s headed
But we know it’s gonna get us where we’re going
And when we find what we’re looking for
We’ll drop these bags and search no more
Because it’s gonna feel like heaven when we’re home
(Heaven When we’re home- The Wailin’ Jennys)
And you’re not happy but you’re funny
And I’m tripping over my joy
I just keep on getting up again…
Morgan says maybe love won’t let you down
All of your failures are training grounds
and just as your backs turned
You’ll be surprised, she said, as your solitude subsides.
Portland has gotten so much snow that it's beginning to feel like I live in Aspen or the North Pole. It's beautiful and I LOVE tromping around in the snow or sitting in a cozy cafe and watching the snow fall. However, cities like Portland and Seattle, they are blindsided by winter storms and arctic blasts such as this and the city is left at a standstill. I have barely left my neighborhood this whole week. I’m going stir crazy. I made it out once for lunch with Allison and a run to Powell’s and another time for Christmas shopping. I haven’t made it to hardly any social outings because of road conditions or cancellations. I’ve just been working at the coffee shop all week and am so thankful for it because I need to see people. I need to engage with people and laugh and make stupid jokes and fall for stupid jokes for a day to really feel like a day.
It really started to snow yesterday and I couldn’t handle staying in my two block radius of work and apt, so I decided to take a winter walk all over the Northwest Portland neighborhood and enjoy the snow, the powdery sparkly snow! I didn’t know this kind of snow existed. If this is the snow that’s up in the mountains…well maybe I could try snowboarding again.
Some pictures from my winter walk around the neighborhood…”this is my wintersong to you…”
NW 24th Ave
NW Thurman St.
Still with me?
The neighborhood
I hope I'm able to make it up to Seattle tomorrow. They aren't running the train. The roads are a nightmare. Yikes. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday!
Bringing back a post from last winter. Even though I am sitting in a bustling coffee house watching huge fluffy snowflakes fall from the sky, I'm feeling the drizzle again...
“God sometimes does His work with gentle drizzle, not storms. Drip. Drip. Drip.” –Amazing Grace
Drip. Drip. Drip.
I like that. Often when I get the courage or the faith to pray a big prayer, I expect or hope for great big things to happen, for lightning bolts and change. And it just doesn’t always pan out that way. It doesn’t mean God isn’t working because He most definitely is, but just not in the way, or more rightly put the timing that I would like.
Drizzle.
I find it funny that this word found its way into this quote; it’s the perfect word. Who really likes drizzle? Drizzle is a pain and I never really know how to deal with it. It mists my clothes and face so after some time, I am sufficiently soggy but it’s rarely enough for me to break out the umbrella. It’s just something we all put up with and endure.
So here I am, I have prayed some big prayers, and in the waiting is the drizzle. I’m okay with the gentle drizzle, because I know God will be faithful. I may get soaked and soggy, but deep down, He tells me everything will be okay.
I was out running this afternoon and I always run past this memorial cemetery and rarely do I give it a second’s notice. But I was at a tired moment and decided to take a stroll through. The sunlight was gorgeous and beginning to set which makes the whole cemetery idea much less intimidating and scary. I’ve seen too many scary movies about pet cemeteries and dead people coming to life to eat brains…gross. I place full blame on my brothers who forced me to watch them when I was little. Anyway, it’s hard to be afraid when it’s a heavenly day.
I wandered through the green grass and headstones, glimpsing pieces of the lives that have been lived. Some had lived to see the turn of two centuries; some had not lived to see a decade. Some lived long after their spouses had died and others lived less than a year. I would try and fit together pieces of lives from the little one can gather from a headstone. What had happened? What was their family life like? Did they have a good marriage? What must it have been like to live thirty years after she lost her son? I wonder if he died of a broken heart, he died one month after his wife. I just got to thinking about how obituaries always talk about so and so being survived by…a wife, a granddaughter or other relative etc. I never really understood that section. It felt like the listing off of a family tree. But I am learning the importance of survivors and surviving. When someone dies, there are others who must go on living, no matter how hard it may be. Life goes on even in the midst of tragedy and loss. One of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite books, The Secret Life of Bees reads, “It is the peculiar nature of the world to go on spinning no matter what sort of heartbreak is happening.” Anywhere there is death, there is also life.
I remember a sermon that Gary Haugen gave at Imago He is the founder of International Justice Mission (IJM). An amazing organization that I hope to work for one day, if I’m lucky. He was one of the first people called in by the United Nations in the genocide investigation in Rwanda. He talked about how his first job was to sort through the bodies, the carnage. If that alone wasn’t overwhelming enough, he was able to meet with survivors of the genocide and hear their stories. There is sadness in the loss, and more sadness in the lives spared, the ones who now must live with the heartbreak and loss. In the midst of death and tragedy, he found life. It just got me thinking about living and surviving. I think there is certain strength in the word “survivor”, like the simple act of living is an accomplishment and a call to live well. So that was my lesson for the day, live well. Find life in the midst of death.
It’s late. I’m not sure why I’m up when the rest of the world is asleep. But I woke up and felt the need to just be with my thoughts in silent contemplation. It’s just me and a candle, bundled in blankets in my very cold apartment. The candle doesn’t give much light, but I find comfort in its glow. I find myself feeling fragile these days, both fragile and strong if that makes any sense. I haven’t always been a feeler of feelings, sounds silly but it’s true. I would skip over anger, hurt, sorrow, wanting not to dwell in the valley and in the darkness. I would rarely even acknowledge I was there, even for a moment. Lately, I find that I am allowing myself to feel, to actually be with those emotions. It’s as if those emotions sink deeper than ever before and sting more than ever before. But I am finding comfort in a quote. Rilke said that “the person who suffers needs to stay with it, must not be a waster of sorrows”. He noted elsewhere that “the more still, more patient and more open we are when we are sad, so much the deeper and so much the more unswervingly does the new go into us, so much the better do we make it ours, so much more will it be our destiny.” I see this feeling deeper, and letting the new be rooted so much the deeper as my own version of holy gardening. I’m praying for roots.
I’m thinking about that stereotype that sensitive people are weak. That has got to be the farthest thing from truth. It takes so much strength to really feel. It takes strength to endure, to persevere. In that sense, I am feeling strong, finding hope in the darkness, cupping my hands around the flame and letting the darkness become light.
