thinkin' malawi like thoughts

I brewed a pot of coffee this morning with the intention of some quiet time to write. I spotted my old journals on the bookshelf and thought I would break them open and read into my old self, thoughts born on the other side of the world.

I quickly became absorbed into my own words deeply missing Malawi, the people and the strength of my faith during that time. I wrote constantly when I was in Malawi. I had my journal with me everywhere. I didn’t want a single experience or thought to be lost along the way. Now, I am seeing why I wrote so fervently. I was writing it for myself, for myself while I was there, the self that would read it a few months later, a couple years later, and my self now. I am encouraged in reading my thoughts and reflections from years ago with a million moments filling the space between.

Here are a few entries that touched me today.

“One little girl at the farm is sick, she would fast for days and pray to be healed. Marla told us about this girl and how she wouldn’t eat for days, and at mealtime they would look for her and find her in her room. She would be on her knees praying for God to heal her and make her well. Everyone wanted so bad just to sit her down and tell her she needs to eat, and be nourished, especially with the anti-retrovirals which need nutrients to be absorbed and effective. But they were torn at the same time, wondering who were they to think that God wouldn’t honor her fasting and her prayers for healing, to give her the nutrients her body needs. We often look for our prayers to be answered in the way we want to see them answered and here that is often the physical healing from sickness and hunger. What God did heal is this little girl’s spirit. She is so young but she has experienced a healing of her spirit far greater than any of us will ever know. She has a peace and a joy from the Lord that far surpasses anything we will ever know or will ever understand.”

“I feel so invested already and that desire to walk alongside them to watch them grow into the men and women God created them to be. That connection begins in such a short time. It’s crazy, because I imagine myself here long-term and it doesn’t sound so crazy. People are what get me. I just want to be near them for the rest of my life. I wonder about all my friends and family back home. It kills me that I have no idea how anyone is doing right now. God is constantly teaching me how to let people into my life and how to let people go, to let people go on their way…life just keeps going. I always think back on that book. The Five People You Meet in Heaven and how at the end of this guys’ life he meets five people who influenced or played a huge role in his life and he in theirs. It was just so interesting to think about the people we’ve touched or affected without even knowing it. People that have had to leave our lives for us to be the people we are today. I wouldn’t be who I am today if my dad didn’t leave when I was little. Who even knows what that would look like if he didn’t. God uses those that leave and those who stay to strengthen us and shape us for the better. He didn’t bring those situations upon us but because they happened, he uses them for good…”

“We never know who we are affecting and influencing in the moment. We are coloring the people we connect with. When the team was discouraged about being here and wondering why we were here if the Children of the Nations kids are already being well cared for now. Kara had a good point, she grew up in a family that cared greatly for her. If people looked in and saw that she had a family that loves her and therefore decided not to pour into her, she would not be the person she is today. We are who we are because of those who have spent time with us and poured into us. This is why we can’t love enough on these kids. Sure, many of the COTN kids are in homes and being cared for (because of COTN) and going to school. They are doing well because of the hundreds of people who have cared for them and taken time to love on them, to tell them bedtime stories, to play futbol with them, help them with school, tickle them, hug them. Every little act of love is part of a much grander story. We are a part of a much grander story. Sure, my heart craves the adventure of bringing food to the starving child, the saving a child from sure death, stopping the arm that abused a child, but that is exactly where these kids came from. You can see the traces of their past in the burn marks on there faces, in the scars on their bodies, in the way they avert their eyes, the way they are afraid to raise their voices. These are the kids and just because they aren’t in the thick of it right now doesn’t mean they don’t struggle with the effects of their past still in this day. We should never choose not to love a child or anyone for that matter, because everyone is fighting a battle and we have the opportunity to pour into and shape the lives we interact with every day. Love wastefully.”

trust that something will grow from nothing

Two posts in one day, can you tell my workload is dwindling? Or maybe it’s my procrastination that has taken on all new levels as I just have one more paper left…anyhow, I was searching through old emails for quotes, because I often send quotes to myself so I can remember them later. I came upon an old email I had written to my friend Emily in Colorado. My roommate Mel had just moved back to Seattle and I had just moved into my studio and I was feeling the loneliness of starting anew. I had spent most of my energies maintaining friendships in Seattle or with friends across the states and with my roommate, that I had not formed a community in Portland. I wrote about how hard it is to have no community or to experience glimpses of it here and there as friends would visit only to be left wanting more. What stuck out in the email was this, “It's so hard to trust that something will grow from nothing”.

I stopped as I read that again. Something has grown from nothing. An amazing community has grown from nothing. I had felt so far out in the desert, so far from community and so far from people that know me. Fast forward. To open my eyes now and feel so supported and encouraged by the people around me, to find a community that bears one another’s burdens, that is open and honest with their struggles, that loves in all circumstances- I am just blown away. How did this happen? It reminds me of the movie Under The Tuscan Sun…this woman dreamt that she was wandering all over the countryside in a desperate search for ladybugs. She looked everywhere with no luck. She grew tired in her search and fell asleep in a meadow. And when she woke up, she was covered in ladybugs. This is how I feel. I tried to find community, I looked and looked and just couldn’t find it. And then it seems, that just out of the blue, community fell into my lap and I am surrounded by such amazing people and they truly bless me in so many ways. There is so much to be thankful for.

God is so good.

If you’re wondering what quote I was looking for in the email, here it is.
“The dominant characteristic of an authentic spiritual life is the gratitude that flows from trust—not only for all the gifts that I receive from God, but gratitude for all the suffering. Because in that purifying experience, suffering has often been the shortest path to intimacy with God".
–Brennan Manning

blessed to be a witness

It’s been one of those weeks where things seem to be falling apart around me. The circumstances that my friends, clients, and co-workers are facing make me sigh over and over again. What does one DO in the face of adultery, the loss of the child, the loss of a job, illness that knocks you out, stress fractures, or life-changing decisions that need to be made yesterday? These circumstances, they are heavy. And they are done; there is nothing that can be done to change the situation. But I am recalling a bit of wisdom a friend picked up at an Imago Dei Community conference. She imparted a lot of words, tips and pearls but these are the words that stuck, “How we respond is our responsibility”. There was context surrounding this, but of course, I lost that bit along the way…

We may not be able to control the circumstances and what has already happened, but we can control how we respond. This part is completely up to us. One’s true character comes out when they encounter crisis. It’s hard to sugarcoat anything or pretend that everything is fine when the world is crumbling around you. It is too much energy to hold a mask to your face and to keep your walls built high. What’s left is genuine, real and raw. I feel so privileged to witness and be with people in this state. I am continually awed by the sheer resilience of the people with whom I surround myself.

They have been vulnerable and humble in these circumstances, asking for help when they need it, which let’s be honest, asking for help is no easy task in our society that calls for independence and "doing it all". They have been open to change and shifting tides. They have looked for and found God in the midst of it all, when they could so easily declare His absence or disbelief. They are weary but they keep moving; they survive. They are brave. They have embraced the unknown and they remain hopeful. They have responded with such grace and humility and continually inspire me. I am blessed to be a witness.

live well.

I was out running this afternoon and I always run past this memorial cemetery and rarely do I give it a second’s notice. But I was at a tired moment and decided to take a stroll through. The sunlight was gorgeous and beginning to set which makes the whole cemetery idea much less intimidating and scary. I’ve seen too many scary movies about pet cemeteries and dead people coming to life to eat brains…gross. I place full blame on my brothers who forced me to watch them when I was little. Anyway, it’s hard to be afraid when it’s a heavenly day.

I wandered through the green grass and headstones, glimpsing pieces of the lives that have been lived. Some had lived to see the turn of two centuries; some had not lived to see a decade. Some lived long after their spouses had died and others lived less than a year. I would try and fit together pieces of lives from the little one can gather from a headstone. What had happened? What was their family life like? Did they have a good marriage? What must it have been like to live thirty years after she lost her son? I wonder if he died of a broken heart, he died one month after his wife. I just got to thinking about how obituaries always talk about so and so being survived by…a wife, a granddaughter or other relative etc. I never really understood that section. It felt like the listing off of a family tree. But I am learning the importance of survivors and surviving. When someone dies, there are others who must go on living, no matter how hard it may be. Life goes on even in the midst of tragedy and loss. One of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite books, The Secret Life of Bees reads, “It is the peculiar nature of the world to go on spinning no matter what sort of heartbreak is happening.” Anywhere there is death, there is also life.

I remember a sermon that Gary Haugen gave at Imago
He is the founder of International Justice Mission (IJM). An amazing organization that I hope to work for one day, if I’m lucky. He was one of the first people called in by the United Nations in the genocide investigation in Rwanda. He talked about how his first job was to sort through the bodies, the carnage. If that alone wasn’t overwhelming enough, he was able to meet with survivors of the genocide and hear their stories. There is sadness in the loss, and more sadness in the lives spared, the ones who now must live with the heartbreak and loss. In the midst of death and tragedy, he found life. It just got me thinking about living and surviving. I think there is certain strength in the word “survivor”, like the simple act of living is an accomplishment and a call to live well. So that was my lesson for the day, live well. Find life in the midst of death.