I was sitting in a coffee shop editing wedding photos and listening to Pandora this morning. Patty Griffin’s sweet and soulful voice was singing “top of the world” and at the song’s end came silence and then she continued on with “to dream the impossible dream”…
I felt my heart tug and I stopped, wondering why those words struck me so. Then I remembered that it was one of the songs that my Grandma would sing, just out of the blue or sometimes she would sing it to me over a voicemail on my birthday. It’s been a song that has woven itself into our relationship all these years. I’ve been hearing her sing those words since I was just a little girl. I don’t think I’ll hear her sing them again in this life. Dementia has taken her captive and she can scarcely remember anyone in our family. As I listened to those words, I’m taken back to a few years ago when I was visiting her in the nursing home and she kept telling me every other sentence how proud she was of me and how she loved me “to the max”. She was her sweet self, so full of joy and kindness. I took a bunch of hold-out pictures of us that day and we laughed and laughed at our own silliness. Then she walked over to the piano and played Impossible Dream and sang for me and it was so beautiful. I didn’t realize what a gift that day was. That was the last visit I had with the Grandma that I knew all these years. She’s different now and the disease has laid claim over her mind and body, but I am so glad I have that sweet day to remember her by.
I am a lyrics girl when it comes to music, so I was surprised that I had never really thought about the words to this song. Now, as I sit here reading the lyrics, I love the song even more. What a great life anthem; I may need to adopt this one as my own.
How do you know when you’re ready to let go? Does the risk part ever go away? Why do my days always begin with big questions. I'll ponder that later. It’s snowing this morning. That was a surprise. I never dress appropriately for snow. Being that I didn’t realize it was snowing until I was running late and out the door sliding across the snow-covered sidewalk in sandals. It was too late to turn back. I thought about who I was working with and how they were probably already there, already making muffins, wondering where I was. I’m glad I remembered my Bible. I’m glad Court and I read some of our favorite verses the other night. I needed that. I needed a reminder of God’s promises. He keeps promises, while most, if not all of us break ours. “Promise not to promise anymore” I love that line of Ingrid’s song, and of course the other, “so glide away and so be healed”, which I had been singing as “so glide away on soapy heels”…which is a far more amusing visual scene, but definitely not the right lyrics. I hope nobody heard me sing that-how embarrassing…It’s a shame I can’t sing for the life of me, because if music is on, and I know the words (and I usually do) I can’t help myself. I sing my little heart out, off key and everything.
Only one person has come into the coffee shop. People are cozied up in their big warm beds, I bet. That’s where I would like to be. Well not their beds, which would be weird. It’s Sunday morning and the snow is a hindrance rather than a delight. Arctic Blast ’08 ruined it for people. Snow now translates into memories of cabin fever and being stuck and cold. Bah! The satellite radio is skipping. It’s so annoying. It’s been skipping every minute or so. The satellite is outside though, too much work to go all the way out there and adjust the thing. Skip…. skip. Fine…. got up and adjusted the thing, in the freezing cold. Hey…no more skips, yes! I’m a genius. That was a good idea. Why didn’t I do that a half hour ago? C’est la vie. There’s Robert. A regular. Customer number two, it’s almost 8am now, too. What a slow morning. It’s kind of nice though. I like to take my waking slow. Plus, the sun is beginning to appear, and the sun brightens the snow. I'm always thankful when the sun comes back. Everything is illuminated.
It would be pretty sweet if I came up with a list of my top ten albums of 2008 as many people tend to compile at the year's end, but seeing as how I had no money to really buy music or time to keep up with the new albums, these are just some songs that played throughout this past year. A friend posted music of 2008 this way and I thought that was such a cool way to sum a year, especially since I am constantly listening to music and looking for meaningful lyrics.
Here's a glimpse of my year through music...
January
I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh
Through my tears
I was born to love
I’m gonna learn to love
Without fear
(Born-Over the Rhine)
What a day to visit Seattle
What a day for San Francisco
What a day holy Toledo
What a day to get in the air and go
What a day to give up smoking
What a day to have some Jim Beam
What a day to welcome a baby
To begin breathing
(What a day-Greg Laswell)
February
She still shines
Though the night falls around her
By her light, I find my way
When I fear the path lay before me
I look to the light of her face
And thank her for being so brave
(The Moon-Kendall Payne)
I have much farther to go
Everything is new and so unpredictable
I should just kick my heals together and go home
But I’m not sure where that is anymore
(Much Farther to Go-Rosie Thomas)
March
My friend, it’s been a long day for me
I miss seeing your face and I miss your company
I could use a hug from you and you know I would love to talk with you, too
But I will just have to wait, until I see you again
(The Note- Late Tuesday)
I’m afraid I’m not all that you see along the coast of me
I’m camouflage, a desert mirage, a nobody
But you came so close
And I assumed you were looking for the piece of yourself that’s lost
It is the hiding place inside everybody
And though we love to numb the pain
We’ve come to learn that it’s in vain
Pain is our mother, she makes us recognize each other
(Nobody Number One- Over the Rhine)
April
Why is it impossible now to trace every echo back to its birth?
Why is it impossible now to kiss every fever away?
There is truth that’s hiding behind every wall that surrounds us
It takes a lifetime to pull the bricks away
If our words are cameras, hold still
Shutters slide to unveil, fingerprints of angels
In a language made of film
(Hold Still-Sleeping at Last)
All the blood and all the sweat
That we invested to be loved
Follows us into our end,
Where we begin to understand
That we are made of love,
And all the beauty stemming from it.
We are made of love,
And every fracture caused by the lack of it.
(Needle and Thread-Sleeping at Last)
I don’t know nothing except change will come
Year after year what we do is undone
Time gets moving from a crawl to a run
I wonder if we’re gonna ever get home
You’re out there walking down a highway
And all the signs got blown away
Sometimes you wonder if you’re walking in the right direction
(When it don’t come easy-Patty Griffin)
May
I’ve been holding on
I’ve been holding on
All that is inside me
Screams to come back home
(Shine your light on us- Robbie Seay Band)
I’m gonna sing this song
To let you know that you’re not alone
And if you’re like me
You need hope, coffee, and melody
So sit back down, let the world keep spinning round
Yesterday’s gone and today is waiting on you to show your face
And it might not be the prettiest thing that you’ve ever seen
But it’s a new day, oh baby, it’s a new day
And it might not look like a beautiful sunrise
But it’s a new day, oh baby, it’s a new day
I know it might seem that the world is crumbling
But it’s me and you dancing in the kitchen at 2am and we’re still alive
Standing in the rain and nowhere to go
Laughing and spinning and I hope that you
Remember this day for the rest of your life
Me and you love, everything’s all right
And it just might be the prettiest thing that you’ll ever see
It’s a new day, oh baby, it’s a new day
(New Day-Robbie Seay Band)
June
I woke up this morning
With this feeling inside me that I can’t explain
Like a weight that I carried had been carried away
But I know something is coming
I don’t know what it is
But I know it’s amazing, you save me
My time is coming
I’ll find my way out of this longest draught
It feels like today
(Feels like today- Rascal Flatts)
This is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And you then you take that love you made
And stick into someone else’s heart
Pumping someone else’s blood
And walk and arm in arm
You hope it don’t get harmed
And even if it does, you just do it all again
(On the Radio-Regina Spektor)
July
What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you in?
And chase you with a rolling pin
Well, what if I do?
‘Cause I am giving up
On making passes
And I am giving up
On half empty glasses
And I am giving up
On greener grasses
I am giving up
(Giving Up-Ingrid Michaelson)
The more I sing this song
The more I feel your love fall down on me
In the darkness I am found
Found with your love surrounding me
Feel this, can you feel this
My heart beat out of my chest
Salvation under my breath
Can you let go?
Can you let go of the past?
What if I told you
Your tears have never been ignored?
(Feel This-Enation)
Give me a reason to fall in love
Take my hand and let’s dance
Give me a reason to make me smile
Because I think I forgot how
I want to fall asleep with you tonight
I want to know I am safe when you hold me tight
I want to feel how I want to feel forever
Girls need attention and boys need us
So let’s make everybody glad
That they have each other
In each other’s arms
Let’s make everybody glad
(Reasons to Love You- Meiko)
August
It’s been a long year
Like a sleepless night
Jacob wrestled the angel
But I’m too tired to fight
Every Wednesday for two years we’ve met
I’ve showed you all my anger, doubts and bitterness
There was no judgment in your eyes
Just the silent peace of god that felt so real and you
Will you hold the light for me?
I want to feel redemption
Flowing through my veins
I want to see with clear eyes
Beyond lust and hate
I want the war to be over
And know the good guys won
I want love to hold me
And know I’m not alone
Standing around a willow weeping
Praying in the backyard
The chill of night,
The friendship light reminded me,
Who we are
Will you hold the light for me?
(Hold the Light-Caedmon’s Call)
There’s something in the way you laugh
It makes me feel like a child
Aspects come alive
They confuse me
You and your thesis amuse me
After an afternoon
And your rich brown eyes
Your lips and your dark hair
Elbows, exposed knees
Tossing towards your ceiling
After an afternoon
Love, love
Face to palm, tear to tear
Mouth to tongue
Heart to ground
Heart to ground
I am in love
(After an Afternoon-Jason Mraz)
September
Oh my love
Help me open up my heart again
Tear it open let the rain fall in
Wash this hardness underneath my skin
I know that in the dark, there’s a fear of letting go
I know that in my heart, that I fear what I don’t know
And this feels like, letting go
I’m letting go
It’s hard to trust
When your hearts been broken times before
You pull the curtains and you lock the doors
Swear you’ll never go out anymore
I’m stepping out
I can’t see and there is no sound
Seeming void becomes a solid ground
The sight I lost, becomes the faith I found
And this feels like letting go
I’m letting go
(Feels like letting go-Matthew Perryman Jones)
Life keeps on changing
You tell it to stay still but it won’t listen
I just want you near me
Like you are now, for good.
(Tinfoil Hats-Rocky Votolato)
I’m gonna write you a song
To tell you just how much I’ve been missing you
(Make it up- Joe Purdy)
October
I’ve been a fool
I’ve been cruel to myself
I’ve been hanging onto nothing
When nothing could be worse
Than hanging on
Something tells me
There must be something better than all this
I’ve fallen many times in love
And every time it’s been with the wrong man
Still I’m out there living one day at a time and doing the best I can
Cause we’ve all made mistakes that seem to lead us astray
But every time, they help us to get us where we are today
And it’s as good a place as any
and it’s probably where we’re best off anyway
It’s a long and rugged road
And we don’t know where it’s headed
But we know it’s gonna get us where we’re going
And when we find what we’re looking for
We’ll drop these bags and search no more
Because it’s gonna feel like heaven when we’re home
(Heaven When we’re home- The Wailin’ Jennys)
And you’re not happy but you’re funny
And I’m tripping over my joy
I just keep on getting up again…
Morgan says maybe love won’t let you down
All of your failures are training grounds
and just as your backs turned
You’ll be surprised, she said, as your solitude subsides.
Well I've clearly gone blog-happy now that I have my laptop back, reunited at last :) And, I finally made use of my spendy Best Buy warranty. I finally had a hardware issue that they could fix, FOR FREE and it felt oh so good, to hear that the repair would have cost me $757.14. Holy moly, I do not have that kind of money and let's be honest, I would have thrown in the towel at that point and gotten a new laptop of the apple variety. Anyhoodles, I have been listening to Late Tuesday non-stop lately. They are my life music. I swear they have a song for every life situation and this is the one I find myself in currently. Sometimes, just the assurance that someone has been through it before is all I need to keep going, to get on.
Get On-Late Tuesday
You fall for someone for some reason And you share a bit of life and you love them And you want them to sit down and stay awhile What’s more, you take a liking to them And they sweeten up your days You start to fancy that it’s best this way
Ah darn it, now I loved ‘em but it’s not all up to me If it’s not right, then it’s not right to worry Cause life has a way of shaking things up a bit at times And so you learn how to say goodbye
So it’s time now to get on I can see now that they’re gone That they were good and I learned what I needed But they were never mine So I admit to those things and get on
I’ve got stories to remind me and I probably won’t forget And I miss them and I trust that there are better things ahead Cause, though I have loved some good ones, I know I’ve just begun to get a handle on how to love
So it’s time now to get on I can see now that they’re gone That they were good and I learned what I needed But they were never mine So I admit to those things and get on
Life has a way of shaking things up a bit at times And so you learn how to say goodbye
(Life has a way of shaking up, I love them and I lose them, I miss them and I say goodbye) (It’s time to get on, they’re good, now they’re gone)
"Seems like every story I can relate to starts off with a broken heart, broken dreams and bleeding parts. There's a story I know about a man named Israel who wrestled with God. From that day on he walked with a limp. I guess in a lot of ways I don't trust a man who doesn't have a limp. The future is yet unwritten. Write it well.'
Jon Foreman
My laptop has been sent out to best buy to be repaired, so I've been so out of the blogging loop :( So now that I'm limited to library internet time, blogging just isn't at the top of my list, but I had to share this Rilo Kiley lyric that's fitting as of late.. I'm starting to listen to all the music that I've been ignoring for so long on my ipod and it's like Christmas all over again.
"Maybe love won't let you down, all of your failures are training ground and just as your backs turned you'll be surprised, she says, as your solitude subsides." -Rilo Kiley
Oh my love help me open my heart again tear it open let the rain fall in wash this hardness underneath my skin oh my love let me hear your voice come through I wanna know the love inside of you make this dark heart believe in what is true
I know that in the dark there's a fear of letting go I know that in my heart that I fear what I don't know
and this feels like I'm letting go and this feels like I'm letting go I'm letting go
it's hard to trust when your hearts been broken times before you pull the curtains and you lock the doors swear you'll never go out anymore
well I'm stepping out
I can't see there is no sound
a seeming void becomes a solid ground
I sight I lost becomes a faith I've found
I'm letting go, I'm letting go
I'm letting go, I'm letting go
I'm letting go, I'm letting go
letting go, I'll let it go
My friend Courtney sent me this song. It's funny how songs or messages make their way to you at the very moment you need to hear them. That's what this was for me. Sometimes you can't do it on your own and you need someone who knows you to hold the light in your darkness and remind you who you are. I am so thankful I have people in my life who hold the light for me.
It's been a long year Like a long sleepless night. Jacob wrestled the angel, but I'm too tired to fight. Every Wednesday for two years we've met. I've showed you all my anger my doubts and bitterness.
There was no judgment in your eyes just the silent peace of God, that felt so real in you. Will you hold the light for me? Will you hold the light for me?
And I stay up late because I cannot sleep. I don't want to face the quiet where its just God and me. I'm waiting for the gavel handing me the sentence down, because I don't believe forgiveness or even repentance now.
There was no judgment in your eyes Just the silent peace of God, that felt so real in you. Will you hold the light for me? Will you hold the light for me?
I want to feel redemption flowing through my veins. I want to see with clear eyes beyond lust and hate. I want the war to be over, and know the good guys won, and I want love to hold me to know I'm not alone.
Standing around a willow weeping, we were praying in the backyard. In the chill of the night the friendship light reminded me who we are ...who we are, who we are
Will you hold the light? Will you hold the light for me?
