I come home And I find myself alone again And I need your voice on the phone To remind me of how brave I am Cause I get scared at night and I lose my heart I see faces in my window, I hear noises in the dark I lose my mind between the front door and the car But you cannot run from demons They know just where you are
And I buy draperies to keep me in Cause I fear my heart is beating on the outside of my skin And anyone who wants to can look on in They will find me in my solitude Yeah, sometimes in my sin
Cause these walls ain’t thick enough to keep out the sound Of the ghosts who dance outside my door They feed upon the ground They stepped on from the heavens They reach up from the mud Their eyes are empty They are looking for blood
There was a lady, she lived next door She ain’t living anywhere anymore No, she died slowly and full of pain And I never saw her face and I never learned her name But she visits me on some days She asks me where I come from She asks me why I stay
But she knows that I get scared at night and I lose my heart See faces in my window, I hear noises in the dark And I lose my mind between the front door and the car But you cannot run from demons They know just where you are They know just where you are
And I come home And I need your voice on the phone I need your voice on the phone I need your voice on the phone I need your voice
This post is for Derek, who was not pleased with my last music choice, who left a comment and called to tell me so. I feel like I should post some music I think he'll like to keep him as one my five blog readers.
I made Derek watch Once a while back and to my surprise, he actually liked it. When I am a huge fan of something and make an effort to say so, it seems to be a rare case that he will actually like said something. So I'm going to roll with that one and post a couple videos of Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova from the Swell Season.
The first one is pretty and angsty at the same time and one of the best songs I've ever seen performed live. My guess is you'll like it. And the second one is kind of sad but beautiful..
I also wish I had known that it was Matthew Perryman Jones that came into the dragonfly before I told him he couldn't come in because we were closed. If I had known, I would have invited him in, made him coffee and asked him to sit and chat with me by the Christmas tree.
And lastly, I wish that there was a button or some sort of capitalization button that would go through everything I write and capitalize for me. Most of the time I write everything in lowercase letters but sometimes I think, 'hey maybe I'll write like a normal person and capitalize'. It would be much easier to just hit a button rather than going back and deleting and capitalizing...Gosh, it takes so much effort to do things like everyone else..
I went out for karaoke last night and loooooved it. I am always torn about karaoke. Actually, I am never torn about it. I have always detested the whole karaoke idea-standing up in front of tons of people I don’t know and then singing while they all stare at me is not my idea of a good time. One, I hate being the center of attention. Two, I am in no way a performer. And three, (I know this is the same as number one, but this can’t be said enough) I hate being the center of attention. However, I do love to sing, for myself or with others, but never for others. So, all this to say, it is a bit strange that I had a blast at karaoke.
But I did. I loved it.
I still didn’t like being the center of attention. Though I never was THE center of attention as I only sang duets or trios or whole group songs. Me, sing a solo? pishaw.
Our group wasn’t able to reserve a private room as those booked up quick, so we had to sing in the “community room”.Fear and anxiety took over once I heard that. Yikes. Sing in front of strangers? No way, Jose. We lucked out and there were only two other women in the room singing wonderfully in Chinese and then later moved on to rap and hip hop-but man, they were quite good. Other than those two, it was just our group dominating the microphone and playlist.
Around 10pm, this sweet old man walked in with our server, and she explained to him how karaoke works in the community room. I could not hide the big grin on my face and inside I was squealing over how cute this man was. His name was Suds (best name ever, right?). He walked all the way across town to get to this karaoke spot. He was in shorts that sat high up on his rib cage. He had very little hair minus the sprouts of gray along the side of his head and a very circular and dark brown toupee that just sat atop his head, and he soon after put in his pocket.
Suds jumped right in, holding strong on the mic singing “100 years” by Five For Fighting with karyn, I believe. I was just sitting there watching him sing at the top of his lungs and with such passion.
Half time goes by
Suddenly you’re wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We're moving on...
I'm 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming...
I just sat there in awe of this old man singing karaoke with a bunch of twenty somethings on a late Tuesday night and everyone was enjoying themselves, singing and laughing and just sharing joy. Again, I have found that music really does bring people together and I love that.
I’m thinking about Malawi today as I so often do…one of my interns in Malawi had the lyrics “oh heavenly day” written as her status on facebook. This is my favorite song in the whole entire world. I feel like I say that about a lot of songs I love but it really is my favorite. If I had to listen to one song on repeat forever into eternity, it would be ‘heavenly day’. After I commented that ‘heavenly day’ is indeed the best.song.ever. She wrote back and reminded me that I would play it over and over in our kitchen in Chiwengo Village.
As I read those words, I was instantly taken back to that village, our little house, and our littler kitchen with the sun streaming through and Patty Griffin’s words echoing through our walls.
Tomorrow may rain with sorrow
Here's a little time we can borrow
Forget all our troubles in these moments so few
Oh we can right now the only thing that all that we really have to do
Is have ourselves a heavenly day…
Oh all the troubles gone away
Oh for awhile anyway
Heavenly day…
On any given afternoon, there would be several of us in the kitchen singing, dancing and preparing a dinner for ourselves and one of several short-term teams visiting Chiwengo. It was so familiar to be chopping, frying, stirring etc. in the kitchen and for several kids to come and visit with us in the kitchen or help us prepare or just make silly faces from outside the window. Or to hear kids in the next room playing cards, yelling Bodza (aka liar—a little take off of the game BS) or to see kids outside making tiny campfires for cooking over.
It’s those little moments that I miss. They are just little snapshots that make up an average day; they are so minute and so fleeting. Yet when you are so far from them, and take a moment to hold them up to the light, you can see the beauty of each piece.
And in doing so, my heart just aches for those little moments.
It would be pretty sweet if I came up with a list of my top ten albums of 2008 as many people tend to compile at the year's end, but seeing as how I had no money to really buy music or time to keep up with the new albums, these are just some songs that played throughout this past year. A friend posted music of 2008 this way and I thought that was such a cool way to sum a year, especially since I am constantly listening to music and looking for meaningful lyrics.
Here's a glimpse of my year through music...
January
I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh
Through my tears
I was born to love
I’m gonna learn to love
Without fear
(Born-Over the Rhine)
What a day to visit Seattle
What a day for San Francisco
What a day holy Toledo
What a day to get in the air and go
What a day to give up smoking
What a day to have some Jim Beam
What a day to welcome a baby
To begin breathing
(What a day-Greg Laswell)
February
She still shines
Though the night falls around her
By her light, I find my way
When I fear the path lay before me
I look to the light of her face
And thank her for being so brave
(The Moon-Kendall Payne)
I have much farther to go
Everything is new and so unpredictable
I should just kick my heals together and go home
But I’m not sure where that is anymore
(Much Farther to Go-Rosie Thomas)
March
My friend, it’s been a long day for me
I miss seeing your face and I miss your company
I could use a hug from you and you know I would love to talk with you, too
But I will just have to wait, until I see you again
(The Note- Late Tuesday)
I’m afraid I’m not all that you see along the coast of me
I’m camouflage, a desert mirage, a nobody
But you came so close
And I assumed you were looking for the piece of yourself that’s lost
It is the hiding place inside everybody
And though we love to numb the pain
We’ve come to learn that it’s in vain
Pain is our mother, she makes us recognize each other
(Nobody Number One- Over the Rhine)
April
Why is it impossible now to trace every echo back to its birth?
Why is it impossible now to kiss every fever away?
There is truth that’s hiding behind every wall that surrounds us
It takes a lifetime to pull the bricks away
If our words are cameras, hold still
Shutters slide to unveil, fingerprints of angels
In a language made of film
(Hold Still-Sleeping at Last)
All the blood and all the sweat
That we invested to be loved
Follows us into our end,
Where we begin to understand
That we are made of love,
And all the beauty stemming from it.
We are made of love,
And every fracture caused by the lack of it.
(Needle and Thread-Sleeping at Last)
I don’t know nothing except change will come
Year after year what we do is undone
Time gets moving from a crawl to a run
I wonder if we’re gonna ever get home
You’re out there walking down a highway
And all the signs got blown away
Sometimes you wonder if you’re walking in the right direction
(When it don’t come easy-Patty Griffin)
May
I’ve been holding on
I’ve been holding on
All that is inside me
Screams to come back home
(Shine your light on us- Robbie Seay Band)
I’m gonna sing this song
To let you know that you’re not alone
And if you’re like me
You need hope, coffee, and melody
So sit back down, let the world keep spinning round
Yesterday’s gone and today is waiting on you to show your face
And it might not be the prettiest thing that you’ve ever seen
But it’s a new day, oh baby, it’s a new day
And it might not look like a beautiful sunrise
But it’s a new day, oh baby, it’s a new day
I know it might seem that the world is crumbling
But it’s me and you dancing in the kitchen at 2am and we’re still alive
Standing in the rain and nowhere to go
Laughing and spinning and I hope that you
Remember this day for the rest of your life
Me and you love, everything’s all right
And it just might be the prettiest thing that you’ll ever see
It’s a new day, oh baby, it’s a new day
(New Day-Robbie Seay Band)
June
I woke up this morning
With this feeling inside me that I can’t explain
Like a weight that I carried had been carried away
But I know something is coming
I don’t know what it is
But I know it’s amazing, you save me
My time is coming
I’ll find my way out of this longest draught
It feels like today
(Feels like today- Rascal Flatts)
This is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And you then you take that love you made
And stick into someone else’s heart
Pumping someone else’s blood
And walk and arm in arm
You hope it don’t get harmed
And even if it does, you just do it all again
(On the Radio-Regina Spektor)
July
What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you in?
And chase you with a rolling pin
Well, what if I do?
‘Cause I am giving up
On making passes
And I am giving up
On half empty glasses
And I am giving up
On greener grasses
I am giving up
(Giving Up-Ingrid Michaelson)
The more I sing this song
The more I feel your love fall down on me
In the darkness I am found
Found with your love surrounding me
Feel this, can you feel this
My heart beat out of my chest
Salvation under my breath
Can you let go?
Can you let go of the past?
What if I told you
Your tears have never been ignored?
(Feel This-Enation)
Give me a reason to fall in love
Take my hand and let’s dance
Give me a reason to make me smile
Because I think I forgot how
I want to fall asleep with you tonight
I want to know I am safe when you hold me tight
I want to feel how I want to feel forever
Girls need attention and boys need us
So let’s make everybody glad
That they have each other
In each other’s arms
Let’s make everybody glad
(Reasons to Love You- Meiko)
August
It’s been a long year
Like a sleepless night
Jacob wrestled the angel
But I’m too tired to fight
Every Wednesday for two years we’ve met
I’ve showed you all my anger, doubts and bitterness
There was no judgment in your eyes
Just the silent peace of god that felt so real and you
Will you hold the light for me?
I want to feel redemption
Flowing through my veins
I want to see with clear eyes
Beyond lust and hate
I want the war to be over
And know the good guys won
I want love to hold me
And know I’m not alone
Standing around a willow weeping
Praying in the backyard
The chill of night,
The friendship light reminded me,
Who we are
Will you hold the light for me?
(Hold the Light-Caedmon’s Call)
There’s something in the way you laugh
It makes me feel like a child
Aspects come alive
They confuse me
You and your thesis amuse me
After an afternoon
And your rich brown eyes
Your lips and your dark hair
Elbows, exposed knees
Tossing towards your ceiling
After an afternoon
Love, love
Face to palm, tear to tear
Mouth to tongue
Heart to ground
Heart to ground
I am in love
(After an Afternoon-Jason Mraz)
September
Oh my love
Help me open up my heart again
Tear it open let the rain fall in
Wash this hardness underneath my skin
I know that in the dark, there’s a fear of letting go
I know that in my heart, that I fear what I don’t know
And this feels like, letting go
I’m letting go
It’s hard to trust
When your hearts been broken times before
You pull the curtains and you lock the doors
Swear you’ll never go out anymore
I’m stepping out
I can’t see and there is no sound
Seeming void becomes a solid ground
The sight I lost, becomes the faith I found
And this feels like letting go
I’m letting go
(Feels like letting go-Matthew Perryman Jones)
Life keeps on changing
You tell it to stay still but it won’t listen
I just want you near me
Like you are now, for good.
(Tinfoil Hats-Rocky Votolato)
I’m gonna write you a song
To tell you just how much I’ve been missing you
(Make it up- Joe Purdy)
October
I’ve been a fool
I’ve been cruel to myself
I’ve been hanging onto nothing
When nothing could be worse
Than hanging on
Something tells me
There must be something better than all this
I’ve fallen many times in love
And every time it’s been with the wrong man
Still I’m out there living one day at a time and doing the best I can
Cause we’ve all made mistakes that seem to lead us astray
But every time, they help us to get us where we are today
And it’s as good a place as any
and it’s probably where we’re best off anyway
It’s a long and rugged road
And we don’t know where it’s headed
But we know it’s gonna get us where we’re going
And when we find what we’re looking for
We’ll drop these bags and search no more
Because it’s gonna feel like heaven when we’re home
(Heaven When we’re home- The Wailin’ Jennys)
And you’re not happy but you’re funny
And I’m tripping over my joy
I just keep on getting up again…
Morgan says maybe love won’t let you down
All of your failures are training grounds
and just as your backs turned
You’ll be surprised, she said, as your solitude subsides.
“Our day–to-day life is bombarded with fortuities or, to be more precise, with the accidental meetings of people and events we call coincidences. “Co-incidence” means that two events unexpectedly happen at the same time, they meet: Tomas appears in the hotel restaurant at the same time the radio is playing Beethoven. We do not even notice the great majority of such coincidences. If the seat Tomas occupied had been occupied instead by the local butcher, Tereza never would have noticed that the radio was playing Beethoven (though the meeting of Beethoven and the butcher would also have been an interesting coincidence). But her nascent love inflamed her sense of beauty, and she would never forget that music. Whenever she heard it, she would be touched. Everything going on around her at that moment would be haloed by the music and take on its beauty.”
I’ve been reading The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera and fell in love with this passage. It got me thinking about coincidences or serendipitous events in our lives, those that we notice and those that pass us by without a guise or rarity. I lack an eye for coincidence or fateful moments until after the fact. Maybe it’s growing knowledge and perspective allowing me to look back on events and point out particular fortuities previously unfolded in time. Kundera writes later, “It is right to chide man for being blind to such coincidences in his daily life. For he thereby deprives his life of a dimension of beauty.” How true, if we had eyes to see each moment of serendipity, we would become more aware of the delicate weavings of our story and the stories of those around us. In those moments, each would find incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only
“But her nascent love inflamed her sense of beauty, and she would never forget that music. Whenever she heard it, she would be touched. Everything going on around her at that moment would be haloed by the music and take on its beauty.”
I loved this. As a bit of a music junkie, I am incredibly influenced by music and it’s a rarity to find me living in silence. It is the soundtrack to my life. I’ve always wanted to make playlists for a living and since that job isn’t so much knocking on my door, I volunteer my time making my own life playlists as well as the playlists for several friends. Mixed tapes and CDs were always my favorite gifts, with homemade cookies, too. I’m getting side-tracked here…I’m not entirely sure where I’m even going with this but I just know that I am highly influenced by music. Songs can take us back to a time and a place of joy or sorrow and I love its power to do that.
Whenever I hear, “sea breeze” by Tyrone Wells I immediately find myself back at the University of Washington on a sunny spring day, sitting at a table in the HUB completely unaware of everything going on around me and utterly mesmerized by his voice and melody. I skipped class that day to listen to him play. Whenever I hear that song, I find my insides fluttering just as they did years ago. In another moment, I recall standing with my sister-in-law Lisa, in the crowded Crocodile Café in Seattle listening to Rocky Votolato belt out “Montana” for the first time. Goose bumps greet my arms as I relive the moment. Every time I hear those songs, I experience the beauty of those moments, and that is such a cool thing.
I am playing around with my guitar and it sounds almost like a song. This is very exciting. I've had a guitar for a few years now. It's come with me to the other side of the world, twice. More for my own listening pleasure, as I knew people who actually knew how to play the guitar would make use of it and play for me and the Malawian kiddos. This whole time, I've had no real clue how to play it. I know about five chords and it takes me so long to get the correct finger placement that I strum once and then a minute later, I find the next chord and strum again. It was just so brutal that it's been shut up in my closet for the year. Since I've been out of school this week, I've brought her out in hopes that I may be a music prodigy and just not know it yet. While I am no music prodigy, practicing actually does pay off. I'm not actually playing chords to a real song, just practicing the chords I know, transitioning faster and experimenting with strum patterns, but it is so encouraging to hear something that sounds vaguely like music, coming from my own hands!
I went to a show with my friend Derek on Saturday. Thrice, Circa Survive and Pelican played at the Roseland in Portland. Before I get into the show, I have to mention that this venue has a metal detector and security searches before entering. I have never had to walk through a metal detector before going to a show. This made me feel more nervous rather than safe…what kind of people were going to be at this show? Murderers? Yikes.
Now, I generally listen to “coffee shop music” pretty mellow, acoustic music. I recently got the new Thrice album, The Alchemy Index. I like it, the mellow songs more than the heavy ones of course, but I’m still a fan. I would place them on the periphery of my musical taste. Anyhow, it was a great show, and it’s been a while since I’ve been to a show where every member on the stage wildly jumps and thrashes around while playing their instrument with the ease of brushing one’s teeth. Where the lead singer jumps around almost monkey-like, slapping his hands on the floor and slamming the microphone to the stage at the end of the performance…a different kind of show than I'm used to... We lucked out and scored spots in the balcony section, where we could sit and still see perfectly with a birds eye view to the show. I couldn’t help but notice out of the corner of my eye, the crowd. In the middle towards the back, occasionally a circle would open up and a mosh pit would form.
Now, I need help understanding the whole concept of mosh pits. I was fascinated by this circle. Young guys, scrawny and brawny would launch themselves into each other, using other people for extra momentum. Slamming into each other, challenging each other, I saw one guy, who was shirtless at this point, throw his arms in the air and yell. It was as if he was king of the hill for a moment, before another guy slammed into him. The whole circle would come and go. Sometimes I looked over and there they were. Other times, I looked over and nothing, just watching the show…How do they know when to mosh and when not to mosh? Sometimes, they would leave the mosh pit via crowd-surfing toward the stage. One last thing, I saw at least five shoes thrown at the stage, sometimes hitting stage equipment. I’ve never seen that. Is that an attack on the band, like throwing tomatoes or something?
…I decided to look up moshing on wikipedia and wikihow. Here are the main points I got from it.
-Moshing (and a mosh) refers to the activity in which audience members at live music performances aggressively push or slam into each other. Moshing is frequently accompanied by stage diving, crowd surfing, and headbanging.
-If you crowd surf, keep your feet raised. Hitting people in the head with your shoes will guarantee removal of one or both of your shoes which will then be flung towards the stage with maximum velocity, rendering you shoeless for the rest of the gig/day/festival weekend.
-"Slingshot" into the sides by using another person's momentum to launch you.
-"Crowd surfing"-At most concerts and festivals the crowd surfer will be passed towards a barrier in front of the stage by the crowd, where they will be pulled off and put onto their feet by the security stewards. Then, they will be sent back to the side or rear of the crowd at the end of the barrier or they may be ejected from the venue.
-"Falling" Lift that person and make sure they are not hurt. They will probably just laugh and thank you before joining back in or stepping out but if they are hurt (which isn't as likely as one would think given the normal goers of metal shows recognize the metal brotherhood for what it is and will try not to hurt another.) contact someone working in the venue and maybe signal to some people around you, chances are they will gladly assist. This could possibly be the most important rule of all, you must pick up a falling mosher at all times.
-"The Lift Up" If someone is hurt but no one will move to let them out of the crowd (which is common at larger festival pit & crowds), ask the people around you to lift the person up and body surf them to the front so security can help them out. Make sure to ask if it's okay first though as getting lifted freaks some people out at first.
While, I will probably steer clear of mosh pits for fear of injury or death. I feel better knowing there is proper mosh pit etiquette and courtesy.
I watched Into the Wild last night, can I just say my soul was just flying while watching the beautiful cinematography. I’m definitely one of those people that will see something beautiful and feel the need to tell someone about it, like the sun reflecting off of Mount Hood in a special way or the moon shadows over the Puget Sound. Take for instance driving through the mountains at sunset, which sunsets always get better and better…I’ll probably comment at least twenty times out loud how beautiful it is and twenty more times to myself. So you can only imagine how many times I had to comment on how beautiful the shots were throughout the movie. I did try to keep them to a minimum to keep from being that girl who interrupts the movie every few minutes. But really, the cinematography had me giddy. AND the soundtrack, too! Eddie Vedder is incredible in this soundtrack. I had to comment on the beauty of the music throughout the movie, too. Yes, I did turn out to be that girl during this movie, shoot…
Anyhoo, after watching the movie, I am SO ready for adventure. I want to go “into the wild”, maybe not to the extent as the guy from the movie so as to be shooting and butchering a moose to live on and living by myself in an abandoned bus in rural Alaska in the dead of winter, but a milder version of this would be incredible, to get out of myself and experience the world and everything in it.
I think I’ll be marinating on that entire movie for a while, but the feelings it left me with have been nipping at my heels all day. The song society, by Eddie Vedder is so telling of the world we live in. Society. I feel so boxed in by society, boxed in and cattle-herded toward the American Dream. My life can’t be fulfilling unless I have a six-figure income, a fancy car and vacation homes. I can’t be happy unless I have a model’s body, a designer wardrobe and a great tan. I need to make more money to buy a bigger house and more things to fill my bigger house. I need to work more so I can take luxury vacations but with all the hours I put in to earn my six-figure paycheck, I have no time to take luxury vacations or see my family. How can this be the American dream? (I've written a little about this in my old blog, too)
I really identify with his character. He wants to live without society’s constraints and expectations. There is a scene in the movie after his college graduation when his parents announce their graduation gift to him, a new car. He quickly tells them he doesn’t need a new car. He has one that works just fine. He doesn’t want any more things, any more stuff; his life is so countercultural in that way. I constantly struggle with that. I don’t want any more stuff either. Well, let me rephrase that, I don’t need anymore stuff, yet I find myself throwing it in the shopping cart or ravaging through the new anthropologie catalogue like it had the cure for cancer in its pages. It’s no easy task to ditch the American dream.
I find so much joy from being out in the world and experiencing new things. Part of me is so inspired by his story, almost enough so to pick up and go, but the other part of me takes so much joy in a small town life, comfortable and familiar. What does one do with that? How do you satisfy the desire for adventure and experience and the desire for comfort and safety?
I apologize for the random collage of thoughts; I’m too lazy to string them all together at the moment.
I do recommend to you all… -watch Into the Wild if you haven’t seen it yet -go ahead and buy the soundtrack, it’s amazing
