Mary Oliver

"And now I understand something so frightening &wonderful-

how the mind clings to the road it knows,

rushing through crossroads, sticking

like lint to the familiar."

— Mary Oliver (Blue Pastures)

I am LOVING Mary Oliver quotes these days. I haven't read any of her work but I am thinking that I need to because I resonate with so much of what she writes.

I am marinating on this little ditty this morning. My minds know the roads it know and sometimes goes places and entertains certain thoughts just like it was on auto pilot. Like she writes, it's a frightening and wonderful thought. There are roads that I want my mind to know on autopilot and other roads I would like to be shut down and made into green pastures.

I run and run as the rains come

I went for a run yesterday. Every couple of months I get a hankering for a good long run. Some potential financial stress and change on the horizon got my heart racing yesterday afternoon and in an effort to do as my body is programmed to do in a stress situation, in my own way I chose flight.

Interesting fact: In moments of stress or crisis, our bodies react. Our hearts race, our blood pressure goes up and there is that moment of panic. In this panic, we are programmed to either fight or flight as a way to release the adrenaline running through our bodies. Our culture has morphed this fight or flight release of adrenaline into a more sedentary, eat some chocolate, drink some wine and sleep it off mentality, or at least I have been known to take that route after a stressful day. However, this way of dealing with stress works against our bodies and we never have that release of adrenaline. It builds and builds until it manifests in other ways such as migraines or ulcers.

So, in an effort to solve this stressful moment with a more appropriate outlet, I ran. I got all my gear on only to walk out the door into the pouring rain. Why do I never look out the window before leaving the house? Oh well, I thought, I’m going anyway. I ran and ran, through the side ache, and the rain drops on my face. I ran to the park down the road and decided to swing on the swings, my favorite part of this particular running route. As I was swinging in the rain, I looked at the city or what I could see of it through the thick fog and I couldn’t help but think about the future. So much is unknown. I can make out an outline of this or that but it’s all fuzzy. There may be a lot that is unknown but there is so much that IS known and I was reminded of a Don Miller quote,

“We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax, and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it? It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out. I want to repeat one word one for: LEAVE. Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed.”

Just some thoughts rolling around in my mind.

It is Valentine’s day and this hasn't been a Valentinesy post has it? I’ll end this post with some lyrics to one of my favorite songs by Mumford and Sons, which happens to start off with lyrics about running and rain. Full circle, eh? Eh?

And after the storm,

I run and run as the rains come

And I look up, I look up,

on my knees and out of luck,

I look up.

Night has always pushed up day

You must know life to see decay

But I won't rot, I won't rot

Not this mind and not this heart,

I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand

And we stood tall,

And remembered our own land,

What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.

Get over your hill and see what you find there,

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew

I saw exactly what was true

But oh no more.

That's why I hold,

That's why I hold with all I have.

That's why I hold.

Happy Valentine's Day

Much love.

Living With Hope

Some words from Henri Nouwen...

Living with Hope

Optimism and hope are radically different attitudes. Optimism is the expectation that things-the weather, human relationships, the economy, the political situation, and so on-will get better. Hope is the trust that God will fulfill God's promises to us in a way that leads us to true freedom. The optimist speaks about concrete changes in the future. The person of hope lives in the moment with the knowledge and trust that all of life is in good hands.

All the great spiritual leaders in history were people of hope. Abraham, Moses, Ruth, Mary, Jesus, Rumi, Gandhi, and Dorothy Day all lived with a promise in their hearts that guided them toward the future without the need to know exactly what it would look like. Let's live with hope.

beautiful words

This quote is speaking so much to me this morning. I love everything Annie Dillard writes. She has a wonderful way of words.

“I am a frayed and nibbled survivor in a fallen world, and I am getting along. I am aging and eaten and have done my share of eating too. I am not washed and beautiful, in control of a shining world in which everything fits, but instead am wondering awed about on a splintered wreck I've come to care for, whose gnawed trees breathe a delicate air, whose bloodied and scarred creatures are my dearest companions, and whose beauty bats and shines not in its imperfections but overwhelmingly in spite of them...” –Annie Dillard

I send you...

I wrote this for a few different friends who are walking through some very difficult times.
These are my words to them.

I Send You

I send you warmth on a cold winter's night.
I send you quiet moments to be still in the presence of your God.
I send you a tiny spark into your darkness
to light your way when you don't know which way is up and which way is down.
I send you hope in the most unlikely of people
to speak a kind word into your ear
or a smile into your eyes.
I send you freedom from secrets and expectations you've long held onto.
I send you freedom to change and to grow into the person you were created to be
and patience in the process.
I send you the strength to be laid bare and broken and vulnerable
before a community that loves you
and a God that loves you even more.
I send you peace in those moments of despair and loneliness.
I send you truths and stillness to calm your anxious thoughts
to give your weary body rest.
I send you strength and courage
to sit with the anger, the pain, the guilt, the disappointment, the sadness, and the loss,
to watch it change shape, soften and transform
into something new and holy and good.
I send you powerful moments of knowing
deep down in your bones and insides that you are kept and you are loved.
I send you grace.
I send you grace into darkest corners of your being,
places you wish to be left unseen.
I send you the lightness that comes with a burden lifted and sins forgiven.
I send you the feeling of God's love
in every pulsation of your heart and every breath let free from your chest.
You are so deeply loved.
Know that.

heart full of thanks

Sometimes I wake up less than excited about life. Sometimes I just want to curl up in my bed and forget the world around me and sleep away the day. I have the tendency to lose myself in those darker places and shut the curtains on the world around me. I don't always know where it comes from; sometimes it's weather induced, other times it's situational. I'm tired of waking up less than excited about life, because life is something to be excited about.

I've started a new morning ritual and it's made all the difference.

Right when I wake up, before my feet touch the floor, I grab my laptop from the floor and write in my word document, "heart full of thanks". Each morning I just make a simple list of things I am thankful for. Sometimes it's a long list and sometimes it's short. Sometimes they are trivial things and sometimes they are meaningful things. It has done wonders for my attitude. I start my day in a posture of gratitude and praise.

I just read something I had scribbled from a sermon I had heard in college.

Praise is the permanent pulsation of the heart

Praise and gratitude should be like the rhythm of our hearts. We breathe in the brokenness, joys, sorrows and heartache that life often brings and we breathe out praise and gratitude. Each breath is an opportunity to see all that is in and around us and to be grateful. Grateful because we know we are being kept by one much greater than ourselves.

"It will all be okay"

There is a young homeless woman who frequents our coffee house. I have gotten to know her story a bit over the past few weeks in brief snippets of conversation. Rarely does she come in for more than hot water for a sample tea bag that she received at the co-op next door. But today, she came in excited to buy a hot chocolate. She was able to pan-handle more than she needed for a place to stay tonight and was excited to be able to purchase a treat that would double as a hand warmer in the dropping temps.

As I made her drink, we chatted about how it had been a rough couple days and she had barely found the time to sleep, with having to leave the awning where her and her husband sleep by 7am before the cops come and tell them to leave. The rain and the colder nights that have moved in with the winter's air make it difficult to truly rest and I could tell it's starting to wear on her.

She paid for her drink with a five dollar bill and I handed her a couple dollars and some change in return. She paused for a second looking at the dollar bill on top and then said, "huh, that's strange." I questioned what she was referring to and she showed me the bill that had,

"it will all be okay :)"

simply written across the bill. She smiled and turned away and I got goosebumps and felt confident that those words came across the eyes that needed to see them most.