Jumbled thoughts on love

Forgive me if this doesn’t make the most sense. It’s been a while since I’ve written and I’m also coming off a crazy long day at the coffee shop, so this one could be a jambalaya of sorts. I’ve been thinking this afternoon about being known and loved. How everyone longs to love and be loved. How everyone IS loved but they don’t often know it or don’t believe it. How so many love those who don’t love them back. I find myself thinking about unrequited love pretty often actually. It’s heart-wrenching to think about, yet my thoughts wander that direction, drawn to those thoughts like a moth to the flame.

Wouldn’t love be so easy if everything was cut and dry? If we just made deals and kept them. If those we chose to love, chose to love us in return. If we promised to love and never leave and then kept those promises in the end. Remember how crushes and “dating” played out in elementary school? When we would send friends as messengers across the playground to test the waters of a new love interest and report back the likeliness that it would happen?

“Jill, would you go out with Ben if he asked you out?”

“…like, for sure.”

And just like that, with the assurance of a yes, Ben asks Jill to the movies. Now I reference this kind of deal-making in the times of elementary school, but really don’t we all want that same assurance currently? In college, out of college, as real life grown-ups, we all want the certainty of love and the complete absence of rejection. However, our world is far from perfect. Promises are broken. We have no absolute certainty that those who love us will continue to love us. We risk rejection everyday. Love is complicated. We hurt those that mean the world to us. We are hurt by those that mean the world to us. It takes a lot of courage and vulnerability to love these days. We all want to be protected from sadness, sorrow and rejection. There’s this great quote from the excellent book, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, “You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness”. If we constantly have our walls built high and our hearts on lock-down for fear or rejection, then yes, we are doing an amazing job of protecting ourselves from sadness. But we are also doing an amazing job of protecting ourselves from happiness that we could be experiencing if we let down our defenses and let ourselves be known.

This is scary, to be fully known. I think we all struggle with being known, at least I do. It’s a balance between wanting to be known AND loved and being known AND rejected. For someone to know everything about you and reject you is a real blow, enough of a blow to want to hide away one’s true self. To have the whole of you, your core rejected, that is crushing. It reminds me of a Pedro the Lion song, “If they really knew me, they would run.” We have a deep fear that if we are known, people will turn away...

I was just talking with someone today about how love is about really knowing someone. There is this cute couple that comes into the coffee shop and we had made a comment on Henry’s shirt the other day. He was wearing a shirt with rows of commas arranged in various positions in rows across and down with the heading of Comma Sutra above them. We thought it was hilarious and perfect since he’s an editor. We congratulated Gretchen on a perfect gift for him and she told us about his perfect gift to her, special edition Travel Scrabble. He knows she loves words and travel and games. She knows his sense of humor and love of punctuation. It was sweet really. No need for diamonds and flare. They are showing their love for each other and their knowing of each other. I just loved that. When we risk real love, we are inviting others to know us and love us despite rejection. And I pray that we would all have the courage to risk and to love fearlessly.

Young love

Walking out to the playground today, I spotted young love on the playground. A little boy and girl from another preschool class were happily running out to the playground. The little blond with curly hair was pulling a dark-haired little pudgy boy behind her. She was excited to be leading the way and he was just goofy with the biggest grin on his face. It was a precious reminder that love isn’t just for grown-ups. Love is just as alive at age three as it is at age 93.

Later, on the playground today, I took a moment to scan the playground, make sure all the kids were there and such, when I spotted a little boy from my class. He was walking slowly across the playground with his head down, Charlie Brown style. I walked over so that I would be in his path and kneeled down so he could see me. He kept walking and softly walked right into me. I asked him what was up and why he looked so sad. He sat down on my legs, looked at me with his big blue eyes and said,

“My girlfriend doesn’t like me anymore.” He continued, “She doesn’t like me. She’s playing with another boy and not me. She doesn’t want to play with me anymore.”

He was distraught as he looked over at the blonde haired little girl pulling around the boy with that same big grin as when I spotted them earlier. I realized that this blonde curly-haired little girl had been his “girlfriend” for the past week or so and she was now playing with another boy. Curling his head into my shoulder, his body just sank. He was experiencing his first heartache, at age three. We sat together on the playground and I kept telling him everything was going to be alright. As we were walking in, his Charlie Brown walk was even more apparent. I told him, when I feel sad I walk with my chin up looking to the sky and I feel a little better, and he did just that.

A Wee Confession

When I was in elementary school, I had the biggest crush on a boy. He was a cool kid. He lived down the street from me. He was a skater boy. I just thought he was the cat’s meow. Though, never in a million years would I ever have told him so, at least not to his face.
I let him know in all the socially acceptable elementary school ways…

-I told my friend, who then told his friend, who then told him.
-I looked at him and immediately looked away when he saw me.
-I would completely ignore him if he came near me.
-I would say my name with his last name, just to see how it sounded.
-I would talk to his friends but definitely not to him.
-I would write him notes in class, folded in incredibly difficult note-passing shapes
-We chased each other on the playground.
-I would call him on the phone and then hang up once I heard his voice. (this is pre-caller i.d., of course)

All these things, I have heard from friends as things they have done as well, but one thing I’ve been told, is a little strange.

I used to call him on the phone, and the times that I didn’t hang up right away and erupt into fits of laughter with a friend, I would have my tape player ready and play him his favorite song over the phone and then giggle and hang up.
Is this not the most genius idea?? I thought for sure this would make him fall in love with me. I mean how could you NOT fall in love with the girl who calls you to play your favorite Pearl Jam song on the phone? I never did find out if he knew it was me.

He did ask me out though.
I’m pretty sure I said no.
Isn’t that how you play hard to get?